Yes or No, The Path is the Path
A New Years Reflection
While reflecting on the highs and lows of 2023, I slipped into a fluid stream of consciousness while writing my morning pages (As described in “The Artist Way” by Julia Cameron). The pen landed on the latest uninvited lesson handed to me by someone I have known for a decade. A boundary was pushed, trust was broken, and my personal values were on the stand. I knew I would have to take an action that could end the friendship. Feeling the gravity of my unpleasant yet mandatory response, I groaned. “Thank you Universe for another growth opportunity.”
Pulling up my big girl pants, 2024 will be a runway for change. An opportunity to experiment with the tools gained and the growth nurtured for two decades. It will be a year of experimentation to see if I can walk confidently through old subconscious patterns that have kept me from standing in my truth. Like a scientist testing my authenticity in the face of discomfort, challenging the convictions of my truth, and then watching the results. For this to even begin, I need to accept that success and failure exist simultaneously.
Prior to reaching the second half of life, being uncomfortable in a relationship was an invitation to step into my well-worn victim archetype. My standard reaction was, “Why does this shit happen to me?” or “Why is this person such an A-hole?”. Lacking communication skills, I would cling to the one reaction I had mastered, contorting like a pretzel. Doing everything and anything to make the other person happy. This I believed would ensure the other person was not upset and I would be safe. Besides, looking like a “good and caring person” could only be positive, right? I now understand this behavior supported a foundational state of dishonesty.
Afraid to use my voice, I assumed I knew what the other person needed without asking. To keep the peace, I would preempt any dis-ease by managing situations without their input. Placing myself at the center of their world bearing the burden of their wellbeing, I was overwhelmed and anxious. They became my primary focus (or obsession), leaving my feelings and needs unattended. Co-dependency 101.
This recent blind siding event hit me square in the relationship gut. Instead of trying to figure this out on my own, I reached out to my most trusted friends/healers. I shared my anger toward this person for having to deal with this issue, for assumptions made, and boundaries encroached upon. Through the processing, I was able to find my part in the situation.
Often “cringy”, personal accountability is the key to transmute my anger into self awareness and self forgiveness. Becoming honest about my part in failed relationships, my anger was quelled.
Distillation of my codependent issues, specifically related to my inability to say “no”, I pondered on the energy of “yes” and “no”. These two words are the cornerstone to my lifelong struggle with boundaries - those I hold for others and myself. I have failed miserably with telling people “no”, even myself.
Somatic tools brought my body into the process. I noticed, giving and receiving a “yes”, feels relaxed and open in my chest and throat. A wave of calm flows over my body. The word “no” triggers a held breath, heaviness, and feelings of constriction in my arms and legs. I physically slouch my shoulders forward, pushing my heart back and away from danger. Most of my life I believed saying “no” would hurt someones feelings then held myself responsible for another persons pain.
What if “no” is not a sword used to maim or harm, but a sherpa for magic and expansion? Maybe “no”, is simply a clear sign that expectations are not met and a new path can be explored. “No” doesn’t have to be a tool for blame and shame. Even Nancy Regan stood in front of an entire country touting, “Just say No!”
What if saying “no”, is a way to create more growth and awareness?
“Yes” is nice and tends to open doors. Conversely, “yes” has brought short and long-term suffering as well. “You want a rail?” “Yes!”. The next morning I wish I had said “no”. “Will you marry me?” “Yes”. It felt good and right at the time, only to result in two failed marriages. If I had said “no”, I may have avoided years of mental, physical, and financial struggles.
This morning I asked myself, “Should I meet a friend for coffee?” I answered, “No. Stay here and write your morning pages”. POW! The awareness in the pages generated a new neruopathway and behavior, giving me the courage to honor my truth and complete the issue at hand. With my inner scientist as witness and courage in my pocket, I was able to tell a long-time friend “No, this is not acceptable for me,” and hold my boundary.
Yes and no can be equal, both offer opportunities for growth. Whether my response is a “yes” or a “no” the path remains the path. Wisdom whispers to me, “The journey is filled with beauty and challenge - often simultaneously.”
My part is to be present in my whole being, let go of expectations, and see each decision as an experiment
** For more information about somatic experiencing and trauma therapy with horses, visit: www.walkintuit.com